We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
