I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
He passed out mid-signature
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
