Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
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