Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
we turned studying into a drinking game, she drinks when she gets it right, i drink when she gets it wrong. so we'll be out soon
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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