"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
having my hair in braids makes puking so easy. i am being an indian every halloween
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
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