Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Randomize
