It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
We were all day drunk by 2pm. Now I know why they hate Americans
Babe, Have you see my pants?
Try Jay street in Brooklyn.. that's where I last remember seeing them.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Randomize
