By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
i just traded a sweatshirt for margaritas... why did they ever stop using the barter system??!!
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
This guy legit just tried to LSAT formal logic his way into my pants. Contrapositives and everything.
Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
