How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
As shirtless as possible
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
Haha I'M GOING TO MISS HIS PENIS SO MUCH. But not his bipolarness.
3.5 bazillion penises. So not that hard to find a new good one
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
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