If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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