# days @ Coachella: 1 people i showed how to break it down: 279
Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
he's dressed up as pikachu 3 fucking years in a row and gotten laid each time. i don't understand
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Last night I made him sit on my bed and finish my burrito bowl as I chanted "brucey" over and over until he was done like they did in Matilda with the chocolate cake
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
