That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
heading to class now, facing the weekend consquences
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Randomize