saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Randomize
