Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
Because drinking and showering don't go hand in hand. There that's my PSA of the day.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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