Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Randomize
