look no pants
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Randomize
