I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
This is the second time this month a hookup cried when I left...bro get your shit together bar does NOT equal wife 😬
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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