DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
first i yelled "you cant get it up?" and then in the middle of it i opened a Corona
so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
the sex is SO much better when he thinks im going insane
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