I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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