i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
normally i'm against accepting campers on facebook but this one saw me giving head to another counselor and didn't say shit about it to my boss so i feel like shes earned the right to look at my sloppy drunk pictures
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
Randomize
