I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
I'm too high and old for this...
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
