why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I feel like death gave me a hand job
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
I was a psycho gf all the time...I'm sorry
I was drunk 90% of the time...tit for tat
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