I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Just sold my panties for 40 bucks to some rando dude at the gay bar. I think I found a way to fund next years spring break trip. Hello cancun!
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