I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
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