Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
He said "what's the haps". I don't know what the haps are but there goes his chances
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
That was before I lit my hair on fire
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
