I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Randomize
