if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
