The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
