Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
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