if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
There's even glitter on my cock...
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
