DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
