shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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