the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
Maybe not Elvis quality pharmaceuticals...But some good stuff
The guy I made out with the other night fed me chipotle favored funions and I thought it was true love when I was drunk.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
Randomize
