the day after is always just damage control
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
Just walked in on the Yellow Ranger getting porked by a guy in a UD Blue Hen costume. Will somebody PLEASE think of the children.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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