our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
True college students do jello shots in the library
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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