We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
how drunk are you?
Several
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
