First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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