I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
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