There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
Can you bring me a corn dog or something shaped like one?
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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