Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Maybe if I ever do become a counselor, I would just implement a kind of intensive meme therapy.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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