Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
Randomize
