Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
FUCK the WHO, FUCK cancer, I'm gonna eat fucking bacon.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
