the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
posting about faith hill is really not helping you get me into your bed
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
