I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Ketchup is God's man juice
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
