I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It's a self-perpetuating puke chain.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
She asked me to head butt her and after half a bottle of whiskey that seemed reasonable.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
