It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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