Just took my morning after pill in the library
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
In the sauna. Drunk. When I close my eyes I think I'm a dog. Is that wrong?
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
