As my groomsman, I expect you to learn the Thriller dance with me before next September.
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
