I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
