i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
