just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
You passed out in my backseat like a legitimate infant. A really drunk, really horny infant
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