I just saw a hot homeless man
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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