Blow job in a bar bathroom for my Thing 1 while in a onezie dressed up as Thing 2. Best Halloween ever.
I bet the Cat in the Hat never caused mischief like that.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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