First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Why did I wake up this morning with 10 tally marks on my hand and a penis drawn on my tits?
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
I thought that u needed a break due the fact that your nipples were bleeding
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
how drunk are you?
Several
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
