Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Ive decided to see your threat against my life as you flirting
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize