My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
You're the air beneath my wings and the lookout when I pee
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I am afraid of asking him for his new number so I continue to text the one that's no longer in service.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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