They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
Tonight's Real World episode reinforced the well-known fact that men of any caliber can hook up with girls named "Crystal"
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
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