I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize