we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
I think after tonight I'm 85% lesbian
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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