This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
never trust anyone who drives a pt cruiser.... write that down
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
Aaaaand that would be the most of my hand I've ever fit into a vagina before.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
